I Am Noman

[plaguedrat]

He's always preferred to own his books, but his refusal to seek out work and forge any real ties to the city have forced him to budget, to compromise. It's what takes him to the public library today. Signing up for a library card is different, he tries to convince himself. It's not as if it requires money, nor does he have to maintain it. It's different.

It's netted him a thick stack of books that he's negotiating into a bag while he sits on the steps. The acetate-bound copy of The Odyssey rests on his knees, the one he plans to read first.

Perhaps he's like Odysseus, trapped for years on an island and prolonging his foolish journey.

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[silenttrainbaby]

It isn't a rejection, even if it might feel like it. Grey just simply doesn't know what to do with himself. If he should protect Rat from himself.

He looks at Rat, stricken. He should run, he should hide, like he did on the train. So, he starts to run.

[plaguedrat]

"Hey!" Before he stops to think, Rat is on his feet and in pursuit, trying to figure out what has made Grey suddenly turn rabbit-scared.

"Hey! Stop!"

[silenttrainbaby]

He doesn't know where to go; Grey doesn't yet know enough of his way around to know where to go. He runs, though, feeling the blood in his veins, feeling the hard concrete under his feet.

On the train, it was sort bursts of speed; he can't go far. He turns into an alley, a small, dark place between buildings, looking for a corner, a crevice to make himself small.

[plaguedrat]

Rat gives chase, instincts telling him not to lose the other boy. Skinny and used to chasing, to looking at every place in terms of safe places and escape routes. He's grown up a rat, used to the kind of running that Grey does.

[silenttrainbaby]

There is a kind of metal stairwell under which he can tuck himself, casted arm hugged tight to his chest as he nestles his back against the cool brick wall.

Grey can feel his heart hammering, can feel sweat on his brow and it should bring him comfort, but he's alone, he realizes. Entirely alone and he doesn't know what to do. Gilliam would tell him what to do but Gilliam is dead. Grey's dead, too, but he's here. He can't make it make sense. He's not aware of the tears coursing down his face.

[plaguedrat]

It's the kind of place Rat would use too. Tucked away beyond the average person's sweep of vision but obvious to the right pair if eyes. Quietly, slowly, he circles in and slides down the brick wall opposite if Grey.

[silenttrainbaby]

It's only when he realizes that Rat is there that Grey knows he hasn't caught his breath, that he's crying and it's cowardly, he knows, but his heart aches. He doesn't know what to do with the ache, he doesn't know what to do, period. He can feel his breath hitch and he tries to wipe his face with his arm, but he can't seem to stop crying.

[plaguedrat]

"Crying means you're human. You're alive," he says it in a hard, but quiet voice. "And the one who lives wins." It's a lesson he learned long ago.

"You're lost. I was too. A long time ago. If you can't find a place made for you, claim the one you want instead."

[silenttrainbaby]

What does Grey want, though? It's never been a question he's had to ask. Wanting something? Was pointless on the train, so for most of them, it was foreign.

Grey wants Gilliam back. He wants the cat (not his cat; he cannot own something that lives, or something, period). He wants to feel peaceful. He'd felt peaceful when Rat had read to him earlier.

Slowly, he leans forward, rolling onto his knees and he slips closer to Rat. He'd sought comfort from Curtis and been rejected. Here, in this alley that he doesn't realize smells bad, he rests his cheek against Rat's knee. Sobs still hiccup out and he can't stop them.

[plaguedrat]

Shion would excel in this moment, he thinks. Not him. He's not made for kindness and comfort; the fires burned it out of him as a child. No, he's just angry and scarred, not someone with soft hands and soothing words, but Grey's on his knee crying silently. Even Rat isn't cold enough to push him away. So, awkwardly, he sits and runs a hand over Grey's back.

[silenttrainbaby]

There's a comfort in that even if Rat doesn't think he's good at it. The ground is cold and hard and Grey's stomach hurts and he's tired and feeling as if his insides have been scoured out.

Slowly, the sobs subside, but he still doesn't move, sniffling.

[plaguedrat]

And Rat sits there, lets Grey ride out the storm he's feeling. He doesn't complain or push him off, just waits until Grey is finished crying. He doesn't ask himself why; Rat's afraid of what the answer will be.

[silenttrainbaby]

At some point, Grey wipes his nose on his shirt; he thinks nothing of it, and he dares to look up at Rat, searching his face for anything.

[plaguedrat]

Rat looks back at him, his expression cool, bordering on gentle. Loss emanates from Grey like a storm that's only now starting to lull out. What now?

[silenttrainbaby]

No clue. Used to being told what to do, Grey is the last one to ask. He's sorry he's ruined the time they were together, he's afraid of being weak, of being so alone. He just looks back.

[plaguedrat]

Rat doesn't see how it's ruined. Hell, he's been far more rude to staff back home, an edgy sort of natural distrust. It's been taken care of and he's got food to spare. It's not ruined at all.

"You should get back to the apartment. Take a hot shower or something." Shitty as his old home had been, he'd always appreciated the attached bath house for clearing his head.

[silenttrainbaby]

Grey can't shower with his bandage and his cast. A bath, though, would be nice, if he could get in and out. He nods slowly, finally sitting up, rocked back on his heels.

[plaguedrat]

Without thinking too much on it, Rat holds out a hand again. "I'll walk back with you." It's a silly offer, taking him out of his way but it seems important somehow.

[silenttrainbaby]

It's important. It matters. Later, Grey will think about it, as he lies in the dark with his cat.

At the moment, it's almost too much to get to his feet, but he does, slipping his hand into Rat's.