plaguedrat | Too much to believe, too much to deny, you fool me again to quiet my pride

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Too much to believe, too much to deny, you fool me again to quiet my pride

He'd stubbornly avoided the city's latest mischief. Any glimmer of glass or crystal had sent him walking in the opposite direction, determined not to get involved. Didn't want to see his future, didn't trust destiny or fate or any preconceived future.

But lately it seemed as though the damn things were following him. The more he walked away, the more Rat found the glinting spheres in his other directions. Apparently, they had a message for him.

"Fuck you," he muttered, even as scooped the stone into his palm.

Grey. Grey back but his rat tattoo nowhere to be seen. Grey who lounged by Curtis, exchanging lazy kisses with the devotion he used to think he would enjoy forever. Now he had no interest, no memory of Rat. All he wanted was Curtis.

Curtis pinning Grey to the bed with his good arm, forearm across his shoulder blades, marking him up with bites. Kisses. Fucking him.

Rat, unloved, alone.

Snarling, Rat threw the crystal aside. "It's not real."

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Marius woke up in his own body sometime in the middle of the morning, thankfully. He'd let himself have a few hours to readjust from his child's mentality, wincing at some of the memories (mistaking a stranger for his grandfather, fleeing a cop on the back of Flavia's bicycle, etc) and savoring some of the others (Dorian magically healing his knee, Eleanor being lovely to him, Rat giving him clothes, feeding him, reading to him, etc).

After a lengthy shower and a breakfast he barely tasted, he'd decided to go for a walk. The fresh air would do him good, he thinks, grabbing a light jacket to throw on as he makes his way towards the park.

He's walking at a steady pace, hands shoved into his jacket pockets, when he hears a familiar voice and the blunt sound of an object getting tossed aside.

"Rat?" He calls out, turning the corner to find the other man visibly upset next to some sort of crystal ball. Marius hurries his strides, craving to be at the other man's side. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Nothing," Rat said, voice choked and harsh. He kicked the ball away and leaned against a nearby wall, back hunched and shoulders pressed in tight like he could keep Marius out by that alone.

Grey had been his world but now the reality of this place confronted him. He could come back and never know Rat, could fall into someone else's arms and leave Rat behind with his wounds.

Love was pain and folly. He should have never allowed it into his heart once, much less a second or potentially third time.

He can tell by the way Rat pronounces 'nothing' that something has, indeed, happened. The other man is visibly upset; his body folds in on itself like an animal trying to shield itself from the edges of a cadge. Marius approaches slowly, taking care to keep some distance between them so as not to seem as though he's encroaching on Rat.

He glances again at the crystal tossed off to the side; such a seemingly innocent object, yet clearly capable of causing much pain, if Rat's expression is anything to go by.

"What did you see?" He asks, quietly. He won't make the man talk if he doesn't want to, but he's not going to leave him alone.

"A reminder," Rat said, scowling. He tried to remember what the old woman had told him. Never sigh over someone because it meant they'd become part of your life. Sentiment was a death sentence, a consignment to his own heartbreak. How could he have forgotten?

"Go away. I should be alone." Had to be alone. Had to keep himself safe. He'd forgotten with Sion and forgotten with Grey and he was in danger of forgetting himself with Marius. Marius who would remember himself soon enough, realign himself to a destiny and a happily ever after with the daughter of Jean Valjean.

He had been so stupid.

"Reminder?" He asks, keeping his voice calm and even as he speaks. Rat seems to him as brittle as a branch in the wake of winter; vulnerable, and prone to snapping at any moment. Still, he doesn't back away; instead, he gradually inches closer, tilting his head to gesture the abandoned ball. "And you're certain that what you saw in that is the truth? Not an illusion designed by the city to mess with your head?"

For his own part, his stomach knots every time he so much as looks at the ball; he's heard the rumors, of course. Of stones showing people various possibilities of their fates. So far, he's been able to avoid seeing them for himself. This one, of course, seems to have cornered Rat.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asks, stilling for a moment. He wants to reach out and pull the other man in for a hug; he wants to hold him and keep the loneliness at bay. He doesn't want to cause Rat discomfort; he also wants Rat to know that he's not just going to go away. He knows full well what he feels for Rat. Perhaps, in the Paris he left behind, some version of himself is with Cosette - married to her by now, probably. But himself, now - he isn't that person, and he's not going to forget Rat anytime soon, on a whim or otherwise.

"I have to be," he said darkly, eying Marius with a deep suspicion now. "You'll remember yourself soon enough." Or else be ruined by him and then leave. Rats may have been social vermin, but he was a solitary man for his own safety. Who did he think he was kidding? It had been so reckless, letting someone else in, only to realize what his future was.

Rat laughed at him, angry and barking. "It's all such a joke, you and me. Who are we trying to fool? A gentleman, a veritable aristocrat, and who am I?" Vermin. Garbage. Someone who'd seen the worst of the world and done the worst.

"Grey would have left. Eventually."

"No one should have to be alone," Marius says. Solitude, he knows, is its own poison; he once clung to it, in protest against his grandfather and as a way to hide from the rest of the world. It proves a solid defense, sure enough, for a time. But even the most well-built defenses crack. He wishes he could get Rat to see that. "Remember myself? What about myself do I have to remember? I know who I am." Who he is is leaning against the wall next to Rat. And he's not going to leave, even as the man's next words sting.

"People," he replies, voice quiet. "We're two, lonely people who found solace in each other. I didn't think we were trying to fool anyone."

He folds his arms across his chest as he keeps his gaze on Rat. "You know that for certain?"

"Because I saw him!" Rat shouted, angry and wounded, determined to push Marius far away before he could be hurt again. "I saw him in this. Coming back and crawling into bed with his old leader, not...not giving a fuck about me!" He tried to ignore the hot tears pricking through.

"And why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he go back to a strong, scarred leader!?"

Likely, Rat will actually shove him away for what he's about to do. Or punch him. Or both. But Marius, once he catches the glimmer of tears fighting their way through on Rat's face, doesn't pause to consider the consequences. He reaches forward and grasps him by the face, his touch warm, but firm.

"This damn city likes to hurt us like this all the time," he says, never tearing his eyes away from Rat. "It likes to torment us with possibilities, like with these crystal balls, or it likes to remind us of our past by giving us objects from it."

"That stone showed you what it wanted you to see," he says. "That doesn't make it the truth."

Rat froze then, caught like a wild animal who expected violence and was treated kindly instead. All of his instincts were telling him different things and none of them was computing long enough for Rat to do anything. Marius' expression was so calm then, his touch more authoritative than Rat would have expected, even in its gentleness.

"I am not made to be loved," he said finally. Rat wasn't ready to bolt anymore, nor was he willing to forget the things he'd seen. "When will you see that?"

Marius keeps his hands sturdy around Rat's face, holding him with a certainty he wants the other man to feel. He can see and feel the tension in his expression; he wants to soothe it, to assure him that he's not going anywhere. Briefly, quietly, his thumbs stroke over the corners of Rat's cheeks.

"I'm not going to see it because I am going to show you that you deserve to be loved," Marius replies, his voice determined, yet still soft. Leaning in closer, he rests his forehead against Rat's. "No matter how long it takes."

"Jesus," Curtis said, ducking out of the way of the stone as it sailed his head. It landed in the grass, unharmed.

"What the hell's the matter with you?"

He hadn't seen a lot of the kid, since Grey had vanished. In all that time, it looked like his mood hadn't improved a hell of a lot.

Edited 2015-04-25 04:51 (UTC)

"You barely know me," he said, voice tight with restrained crying. There was no point in being so hurt, in missing something he'd never get back. There was even less point in exposing himself to pain again, no matter how firm and reassuring Marius' touch was.

"You barely know me," he said again. "You have no idea what I've done. You can't love me."

"You," Rat said, gritting his teeth. The sight of Curtis when Rat had just seen him, just watched Curtis pin Grey to a bed and fuck him.

"Did you ever sleep with Grey!?"

"Yes, I do barely know you," Marius agrees, keeping his grip on Rat's face steady as he continues to brush over it gently with his fingers. His heart aches at the tightness in Rat's voice; he wishes he could do more to soothe the man's obvious hurt.

"But I want to know you," he tells him. "And I want you."

Rat clenched his jaw then, tried to ignore the tears sliding down his cheeks and into Marius' hands. Sighing over someone, shedding tears, all of them were weaknesses.

And suddenly he needed that moment, that weakness. Rat let his head drop, forehead and nose against Marius' but not kissing. Everything ached.

Marius feels Rat's tears as they fall; his moves his thumbs to start wiping them away. He moves one hand to start stroking through his hair, trying to radiate tranquility, peace.

He lets out a shaky breath as Rat's forehead drops, nose brushing against his own. For a moment, he just breathes with him, letting their closeness wash over him.

"Come home with me," he offers, voice barely above a whisper. "Let me make you tea."

When was the last time he'd cried? He'd wept for Shion and then Grey after him. And now he cried and he didn't know exactly why. The sudden needle of doubt that made him question if Grey would have wanted something else. Someone else. The growing sense of attachment and the realization of loneliness...

"I don't think tea will fix this."

He stays still, holding Rat up as they lean together, letting him cry as much as he needs to. His own heart aches, seeing Rat, usually composed, collected Rat, fall apart in this way. He moves to nuzzle him a bit with his nose, slow and gentle.

"No, tea won't fix it," he says, looking directly into Rat's eyes. "But it can help, even just as a brief distraction."

He was the kind of person who kept himself wound tight and clamped down. It served him well most of the time but then the bad days hit and the catharsis wrung its way out of him with the force of a storm. The comfort, somehow, only made it worse.

"I don't know where you live," he mumbled, dropping his head to Marius' shoulder. They were close in height and it verged on awkwardness, but he didn't care.

He'd shown her the picture before. The one of — of Grey, she reminded herself, having blocked him as well as she could from her mind. It wasn't that she felt a sense of ownership or possessiveness over those features or that smile. Far from it.

But seeing either always had a tendency of bringing those voices back, forcing Effy to pay attention to every passing sound no matter how small or subtle, down to the shifting of the wind.

She wasn't sure what they said now, as Effy had a glimpse of the image in Rat's stone, but they festered in the curve of her ear, whispering. Hissing. Something was amiss. She watched as the crystal sphere rolled towards her, settling by her feet.

"Why let something that isn't real upset you?" she asked, leaning down to pick up the object. "You know it's shit."

Marius, as someone who generally tends to sport his emotions openly, through fraught hand gestures, outright crying, or just letting words spill out of him like wine, feels the intensity radiating off Rat next to him. He might not understand keeping one's feelings so close to the chest, but he certainly knows the aftermath of losing oneself to tears, the way it drains a person dry.

"I live in Dimera," he tells him, bringing one hand around to pull Rat closer to him and to stroke through his hair. "I know a short cut from here; it isn't too far."

"Dimera," he agreed, drained of energy in the moment. The thought of going home, of seeing all those reminders of Grey cast into strange doubt, made Rat ache and he nodded, gesturing bleakly for Marius to lead the way.

For a second, he allowed himself the luxury of closing his eyes and leaning into Marius' hand.

"Because it could be real," he muttered, not expecting her to understand or even to want to. His Grey, her Freddie. Rat couldn't even blame her for wanting to stay a thousand miles away from him. It was the same courtesy he felt owed.

"He never told me. Couldn't have told me."

"Good," he says, letting his thumb brush across the back of Rat's ear briefly as they remain like that for a moment or two. "It's not too far, I promise."

He moves to help the other man up, moving his arm to around his shoulder to keep him steady. If Rat wants, Marius is prepared for him to lean on him the entire journey to his apartment.

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Too much to believe, too much to deny, you fool me again to quiet my pride

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