Too much to believe, too much to deny, you fool me again to quiet my pride

[plaguedrat]

He'd stubbornly avoided the city's latest mischief. Any glimmer of glass or crystal had sent him walking in the opposite direction, determined not to get involved. Didn't want to see his future, didn't trust destiny or fate or any preconceived future.

But lately it seemed as though the damn things were following him. The more he walked away, the more Rat found the glinting spheres in his other directions. Apparently, they had a message for him.

"Fuck you," he muttered, even as scooped the stone into his palm.

Grey. Grey back but his rat tattoo nowhere to be seen. Grey who lounged by Curtis, exchanging lazy kisses with the devotion he used to think he would enjoy forever. Now he had no interest, no memory of Rat. All he wanted was Curtis.

Curtis pinning Grey to the bed with his good arm, forearm across his shoulder blades, marking him up with bites. Kisses. Fucking him.

Rat, unloved, alone.

Snarling, Rat threw the crystal aside. "It's not real."

Comments

[pontmercyfriend]

"No one should have to be alone," Marius says. Solitude, he knows, is its own poison; he once clung to it, in protest against his grandfather and as a way to hide from the rest of the world. It proves a solid defense, sure enough, for a time. But even the most well-built defenses crack. He wishes he could get Rat to see that. "Remember myself? What about myself do I have to remember? I know who I am." Who he is is leaning against the wall next to Rat. And he's not going to leave, even as the man's next words sting.

"People," he replies, voice quiet. "We're two, lonely people who found solace in each other. I didn't think we were trying to fool anyone."

He folds his arms across his chest as he keeps his gaze on Rat. "You know that for certain?"

[plaguedrat]

"Because I saw him!" Rat shouted, angry and wounded, determined to push Marius far away before he could be hurt again. "I saw him in this. Coming back and crawling into bed with his old leader, not...not giving a fuck about me!" He tried to ignore the hot tears pricking through.

"And why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he go back to a strong, scarred leader!?"

[pontmercyfriend]

Likely, Rat will actually shove him away for what he's about to do. Or punch him. Or both. But Marius, once he catches the glimmer of tears fighting their way through on Rat's face, doesn't pause to consider the consequences. He reaches forward and grasps him by the face, his touch warm, but firm.

"This damn city likes to hurt us like this all the time," he says, never tearing his eyes away from Rat. "It likes to torment us with possibilities, like with these crystal balls, or it likes to remind us of our past by giving us objects from it."

"That stone showed you what it wanted you to see," he says. "That doesn't make it the truth."

[plaguedrat]

Rat froze then, caught like a wild animal who expected violence and was treated kindly instead. All of his instincts were telling him different things and none of them was computing long enough for Rat to do anything. Marius' expression was so calm then, his touch more authoritative than Rat would have expected, even in its gentleness.

"I am not made to be loved," he said finally. Rat wasn't ready to bolt anymore, nor was he willing to forget the things he'd seen. "When will you see that?"

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius keeps his hands sturdy around Rat's face, holding him with a certainty he wants the other man to feel. He can see and feel the tension in his expression; he wants to soothe it, to assure him that he's not going anywhere. Briefly, quietly, his thumbs stroke over the corners of Rat's cheeks.

"I'm not going to see it because I am going to show you that you deserve to be loved," Marius replies, his voice determined, yet still soft. Leaning in closer, he rests his forehead against Rat's. "No matter how long it takes."

[plaguedrat]

"You barely know me," he said, voice tight with restrained crying. There was no point in being so hurt, in missing something he'd never get back. There was even less point in exposing himself to pain again, no matter how firm and reassuring Marius' touch was.

"You barely know me," he said again. "You have no idea what I've done. You can't love me."

[pontmercyfriend]

"Yes, I do barely know you," Marius agrees, keeping his grip on Rat's face steady as he continues to brush over it gently with his fingers. His heart aches at the tightness in Rat's voice; he wishes he could do more to soothe the man's obvious hurt.

"But I want to know you," he tells him. "And I want you."

[plaguedrat]

Rat clenched his jaw then, tried to ignore the tears sliding down his cheeks and into Marius' hands. Sighing over someone, shedding tears, all of them were weaknesses.

And suddenly he needed that moment, that weakness. Rat let his head drop, forehead and nose against Marius' but not kissing. Everything ached.

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius feels Rat's tears as they fall; his moves his thumbs to start wiping them away. He moves one hand to start stroking through his hair, trying to radiate tranquility, peace.

He lets out a shaky breath as Rat's forehead drops, nose brushing against his own. For a moment, he just breathes with him, letting their closeness wash over him.

"Come home with me," he offers, voice barely above a whisper. "Let me make you tea."

[plaguedrat]

When was the last time he'd cried? He'd wept for Shion and then Grey after him. And now he cried and he didn't know exactly why. The sudden needle of doubt that made him question if Grey would have wanted something else. Someone else. The growing sense of attachment and the realization of loneliness...

"I don't think tea will fix this."

[pontmercyfriend]

He stays still, holding Rat up as they lean together, letting him cry as much as he needs to. His own heart aches, seeing Rat, usually composed, collected Rat, fall apart in this way. He moves to nuzzle him a bit with his nose, slow and gentle.

"No, tea won't fix it," he says, looking directly into Rat's eyes. "But it can help, even just as a brief distraction."

[plaguedrat]

He was the kind of person who kept himself wound tight and clamped down. It served him well most of the time but then the bad days hit and the catharsis wrung its way out of him with the force of a storm. The comfort, somehow, only made it worse.

"I don't know where you live," he mumbled, dropping his head to Marius' shoulder. They were close in height and it verged on awkwardness, but he didn't care.

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius, as someone who generally tends to sport his emotions openly, through fraught hand gestures, outright crying, or just letting words spill out of him like wine, feels the intensity radiating off Rat next to him. He might not understand keeping one's feelings so close to the chest, but he certainly knows the aftermath of losing oneself to tears, the way it drains a person dry.

"I live in Dimera," he tells him, bringing one hand around to pull Rat closer to him and to stroke through his hair. "I know a short cut from here; it isn't too far."

[plaguedrat]

"Dimera," he agreed, drained of energy in the moment. The thought of going home, of seeing all those reminders of Grey cast into strange doubt, made Rat ache and he nodded, gesturing bleakly for Marius to lead the way.

For a second, he allowed himself the luxury of closing his eyes and leaning into Marius' hand.

[pontmercyfriend]

"Good," he says, letting his thumb brush across the back of Rat's ear briefly as they remain like that for a moment or two. "It's not too far, I promise."

He moves to help the other man up, moving his arm to around his shoulder to keep him steady. If Rat wants, Marius is prepared for him to lean on him the entire journey to his apartment.

[plaguedrat]

Exhausted as he was, head hanging low and shoulders slumped, Rat still walked on his own. He had only leaned on someone when he was in the worst of pain and would only do it again for the same reason.

Every now and then, as he walked, the back of his hand bumped against Marius'.

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius keeps his pace slow and steady, well aware of Rat's exhaustion by the way he carries himself, head low as he slouches forward. It looks to Marius like a defensive stance; he aches to see the other man in such a state.

He takes him down a narrow side street, much how they used to build roads in Paris. It's filled with shadows and garbage, and, truth be told, it's one of Marius' favorite routes for how much it reminds him of home.

He glances down when Rat's hand bumps against his; he doesn't even think when he reaches out, taking Rat's hand in his.

[plaguedrat]

Nor did he think to resist. He'd already cried his heart out into Marius' shirt. What difference was there in letting their fingers twine? It was too late to prevent this moment from becoming another chip on the pile of emotionally charged memories of people he shouldn't care about.

"Trying to remind me of home?" he asked, recovering some of his sarcasm as he gestured around him. "It's missing a few prostitutes and dead animals, but it'll do."

It wasn't very funny.

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius lets his thumb stroke across the back of Rat's hand briefly, as they walk. He knows, from past experience, that he shouldn't pour himself so readily into caring for another person. But from the warmth that radiates between their entwined fingers and the way he yearns to help Rat take his mind of the stone, Marius knows, without a doubt, that he is already in deep.

"Actually," he mentions, relieved to hear the familiarity of Rat's sarcasm. "I was thinking of mine. Only without the parade of gamins."

Not funny, perhaps, but true enough.

[plaguedrat]

"Of course," he said. For Marius' sake, he'd held back on discussing how many of his old streets had often had dead prostitutes too, just for color.

Quietly, he swung their hands a little between them. He'd forgotten how that warmth could feel.

[pontmercyfriend]

"And the criminals making deals out in the open," he remarks, recalling his old apartment and the adventures he'd had living in it. He could have also mentioned the beggars and those slowly dying of consumption, but though he could make a bleak observation as much as the next person, he still has some tact.

"We're almost there, anyway," he mentions, nodding towards the next alley. "Dimera's not far from here."

The corners of his mouth twitch as their hands swing together. It's a small, simple gesture, but it makes him feel bubbly.

[plaguedrat]

"The abandoned crying children, the dumpsters picked clean of anything with value." That was the West District, a place of hard living, of violence, hopelessness. The world had birthed Rat into a different life, but all hope for it had died with his old name.

It was a weakness, the way he craved Marius next to him. In sane moments, he knew the whole thing was doomed. He didn't care. He just wanted to curl up for a moment, to forget the things he'd seen.

[pontmercyfriend]

"We didn't even have dumpsters, in Paris. People just threw their waste out into the streets," he replies. He can still recall the smell of his old neighborhood, especially when passing through narrow alleys such as these. He'd left his grandfather's apartments for a life of poverty, and even after everything he's lost because of said choice, he does not regret it.

Marius' tendency towards opening himself up for love probably does make him a masochist, if he stops to think about it. But he doesn't, because gravitating towards love is all he knows how to do, in the wake of a cold childhood and a failed rebellion. He squeezes Rat's hand briefly, because he yearns to. The other man next to him makes him feel less alone in the world, even with all his sarcasm and bitterness.

They meander out into a larger street then, where Dimera sits just across the way.

"I'm on the fifth floor," he says as they cross the street.

[plaguedrat]

Rat nodded, glancing between the elevator and the stairs, letting Marius be the one to decide. After he'd been shot, after he'd seen Shion's face in the elevator, he had found himself preferring to climb, even when he knew it pushed the limits of practicality.

"People in the West District did that too. The dumpsters were mostly for show." His expression turned grim. "And the dead."

[pontmercyfriend]

Marius, ever since he began walking without the use of his cane, has preferred the stairs. He dislikes the crowded nature of the elevator; the thought of winding up trapped and suffocating within it generally keeps him well away from the device, unless he has true need of it. He leads them up the staircase, still holding Rat's hand.

"Well, I suppose dumpsters make better burial spaces than in the open street," he replies, thinking of the instances he's stumbled upon corpses on his way home from delivering translations.

It doesn't take them long to reach the fifth floor and Marius' apartment; he fishes for his keys in his pocket before managing to open the door. He moves aside to gesture Rat in.

"Make yourself at home," he says as he follows him in. Even after a year in Darrow, he still hasn't done much in the way of decorating: a comfortable, green blanket draped over the couch and a few prints of paintings he'd admired once in a museum constitute the bulk of it. In one corner stands his bookshelf, overflowing, though his collection is not nearly as large as Rat's. Books in French, German, and English line the shelves; his favorite, a volume of Romantic poetry, nearly falling off one corner. Elsewhere, books and notebooks alike sprawl across his floor. He winces a bit at the sight of it, wishing he'd had the presence of mind to tidy a bit that morning.

The most recent addition to his apartment rests on one of the end tables; a small, but reliable cd player, with a few cases around it: classical, mostly, with the exception of a couple of folk albums, including one by George Glass and the Sure Jans, one of the local, Darrow musicians he actually likes.

He moves to head toward the kitchen, when he catches his cat playing with his old cane in the corner of the room.

"Courfeyrcat, how many times have I told you that's not a toy?" He sighs, but there's no real weight to it as he moves to pick up his ridiculously large cat away from the wooden object. Courfeyrcat mews and paws at him, and he grins. He is absolutely devoted to his cat.

"I have tea, coffee, wine, or something stronger, if you'd like," he says, putting his cat down and turning back to Rat.